Prejudice serves us well when it is right, such as a quick assessment of the threat level a person represents toward us, and we take preemptive actions to avoid or mitigate the potential threat.  Some people, who are less inclined or less instinctive, sometimes find themselves in precarious situations.  All of us, have made mistakes sometimes.  “Better to be safe than sorry” we justify ourselves and move on.

The effect can be more devastating than we realize though.  I am reminded by the story of the woman at the airport who bought a pack of cookies, sat down in the first class waiting area, and a man walks up and sits opposite her at the same table.  She reaches over and opens the pack of cookies and takes one out, then he reaches over and takes one.  It makes her angry, but she says nothing, but then it happens again.

The one for one continues until there is only one cookies left.  At this point, neither the man nor the woman has said anything.  The man reaches over for the last cookies, breaks it in half and gives one half to the woman and eats the other half.  The woman refuses to comment on something so trivial, but she is deeply offended and angry inside.

She has no kind words to say to this man, so she gets up angry, boards her plane angry, sits down angry, and stews for some time.  At some point, while on the plane, she reaches into her purse to retrieve something and finds the packet of cookies she originally purchased.  She thinks for a moment, realizes her mistake and misjudgment of the man who had actually shared his cookies without saying a word, and instantly her anger is replaced with deep regret.

That story is one of perception and has many moral lessons, but most of all, our perception is reality to us.  How we perceive people and situations is “the truth” in our minds, but what happens when something invades and destroys that perception?  I have seen some people who refuse to admit the wrong – the humiliation of admitting they are wrong is a far to great price, and they would rather the relationship suffer than make it right.

Once in a while though, I see people who go the other way.  They accept the truth for what it is, recognize their error, and go out of their way to make the situation right.  I am just as guilty as the next person of making my share of wrong judgments of others, but often I have found I would rather just wait for the situation to “cool down” and try to reengage the person on some other topic and level and when things seem “better” to smile and joke away my actions while offering some poorly worded apology – if at all.

The other day though, someone came up to me out of the blue, and very pointedly made the effort to make me realize they had misjudged me on an occasion.  They went on to tell me how that first mistake had led to other misjudgments about my motives and eventually how they had just come to dislike me in general, and all for a perception of a wrong that never happened.  They were very apologetic, very sincere, and wanted to do whatever it would take to make amends.

Quite honestly, I was taken aback, because I had never even known the person had felt so strongly.  I knew they were having a difficult time in their life, but never imagined it was towards me, so the apology and admission was a revelation for me.  Then it hit me, this person was apologizing to reestablish a relationship they lost as quickly as possible.  Whether I knew of the offense or not was not relevant, but that they were wrong was more important to them, and they wanted to make it right whatever it took.

I was impressed, and then ashamed.  How often have I left relationships to flounder when I was in the wrong instead of taking the steps needed, and the humility required, to just go to the other person and apologize?  Besides the humility, what other reasons might stand in the way of someone reestablishing a relationship?

The idea is to watch for these signs in order to preempt violent behavior, and hopefully get help to the person who needs it, whether they realize it or refuse to acknowledge they need help.

What about Christians in distress?  Are there signs for a Christian in distress?  Try surfing the web for that question.

I don’t know about you, but I didn’t find anything.  So as I began looking over the “Signs of Distress” article, it gave me some ideas of what to look for when trying to find signs of a Christian in distress.

Here are my ideas – feel free to add some of your own:

1.  Continuously critical of church leadership, or of other church members.
2.  Speaks of how thing could be better, but does not actually try to make anything better.
3.  Refuses to accept personal responsibility for a Christlike attitude, but instead blames others for their behavior.
4.  Accuses the pastor of “always preaching at me!”
5.  To a lesser degree: stops giving, skips church, does not hang around Christian friends but goes back to old friends that are a bad influence . . .

Please feel free to list others.  The end result though, is that this Christian is going to be in a weakened spiritual condition, and when the time for important spiritual decisions come, bad choices will result.

Problem is, when we see this happening, how do we respond?  Most of the time, I admit, my preference is to shy away from this person and refuse to engage them on any level.  However, I would not do the same if a person was physically hurt, so why do I have this instinctive reaction when my brother or sister in Christ is spiritually wounded?  Worse yet, my own mind becomes critical of the person, and rather than pray for them, I tend to add fuel to their own little fire and just watch them burn.  Not a very Christ-like attitude on my part.

Galatians 6:2 “Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”

Instead, maybe a little empathy is in order.  For me personally, this does not even begin to come naturally.  However, if I am ever to help someone, I have to at least try to understand where they are coming from, even if I cannot relate on a level from any personal experience.  Truth is, hurting people hurt people – and if our fellow Christians are in distress, we should be willing to help them bear whatever burden they suffer under.  Easy advice given.  No doubt a tough bit of advice to live by.

Take for example the Emergent Christians and the Reformed Christians. If you check the bookshelves of any of my Emergent Christian peers, chances are you will see the same authors: Brian McLaren, Rob Bell, Tony Jones, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Jim Wallis, N.T. Wright, John Howard Yoder, and Shane Claiborne. Chances are emergent Christians listen to podcasts like The Nick and Josh Podcast, Something Beautiful (at least I hope they do!), Losing My Religion, and Homebrewed Christianity. The Reformed crowd, on the other hand, usually has these authors on their bookshelves: John Calvin, John Piper, Jonathan Edwards, R.C. Sproul, and Charles Spurgeon. They tend to subscribe to Mark Driscoll’s sermon podcast, and listen to Derek Webb. You won’t catch an Emergent reading John Piper, or a Reformed Christian reading N.T. Wright. They do, however, agree on two things: the prosperity gospel sucks, and Derek Webb is awesome. Other than that, they tend to stay on their own respective pews, occasionally maybe smiling at each other for a brief second.

Well, I happen to like both John Howard Yoder and Jonathan Edwards. Both Brian McLaren and Mark Driscoll have influenced my faith.

A few months ago on my blog, I said that the Emerging Church should avoid echo chambers and include other points of view in the conversation. Likewise, I think the Reformed Christians can learn a lot from the Emerging Christians. If we don’t listen to other points of view, how can we grow?

As you know, I am not a big fan of fundamentalism. To me, it’s theological school yard bullying. However, sometimes my hatred of fundamentalism makes me do stupid things, like hurt people.

First, let me start with my definition of fundamentalism. To me, a fundamentalist is some one who thinks that their interpretation of the Bible is the infallible word of God. Folks who believe that they’re always right and if you don’t fit into their cookie-cutter image then you’re a bad person. Those judgmental, holier-than-thou, authoritative, pious, “I’m right, you’re wrong, get used to it” folks. In the words of Barney Frank, trying to have a conversation with them is like arguing with a dining room table. I’d much rather have a conversation, and rethink a lot of the things Christian culture usually takes for granted.

(Of course when I say “a lot of the things Christian culture usually takes for granted,” I am NOT referring to the three biggies that are, to me, the fundamentals and Christianity: the Divinity of Jesus, His atoning death on the Cross, and His resurrection.)

Maybe it’s just my rebellious punk rock nature, but I always like to question things. If I don’t ask questions, how will I know that what I believe is legit? How can I separate what’s really biblical and what’s just a man-made doctrine? With fundamentalism, however, there is no room for questions. Either you accept everything they believe and fit into their little mold, or you’re not a true Christian.

I’m the first to admit that I am not perfect. I know I’m messed up. I know I haven’t gotten it all figured out. I’m still learning, and I’ll always be learning until the day I die. Yeah, I make mistakes along the way, but I keep learning. Don’t make me feel like a piece of crap just because I haven’t gotten it all together.

Having said all that, though, sometimes I falsely accuse people of being fundamentalist nut jobs. Sometimes I get so angry that I say things that are mean, hurtful, and unfair. I’m so defensive that I refuse to let down my guard and really listen to what the other side has to say. Even though I’m always saying both sides should talk to each other, I secretly don’t believe it.

I’ve been hurt by Christians in the past, but that doesn’t make it right for me to attack people. It’s like the bullied becomes the bully, and then the cycle continues. I need to learn how to stop the cycle, listen to the other side, and make peace with others.

Relieve that suffering?  Don’t answer too quickly…

What if that suffering is for a reason?  Let’s suppose God is teaching and growing that Christian through the suffering.  But how are we to judge that and keep from interfering with His plan?  Should we even attempt to?

But I don’t recall the Lord saying anything about withholding aid from others in the church.  Am I missing something?

This is a very real and troubling question in my mind, right now, dealing with a very real and troubling situation… RIGHT NOW.

This Christian is in a destructive housing situation and has no way out on their own.  It appears to be heavily interfering with their growth as a Christian.  Add some mental illness in for good measure, and that is one sticky wicket.

One of our pastors is working with this person in a weekly counseling session; this seems way too circumspect an approach to me.

My instinct is to rush in and fix things, whatever I can, right now.  Get the church elders together and figure out how we’re going to help!  Can we not solve this?  But I realize this urge is not always the wisest move.

Is our church too timid?  Are we afraid to be bold in coming alongside this suffering, creating solutions instead of sympathy?

Or, are we going to hurt by helping?  Is the circumspect approach appropriate?  I’m not sold on it.

Where is the rest of my church?  Why is no one else befriending this person in a tangible way during the week?  Why aren’t we confronting our people, assigning people to get to know this person?!?  Surely that doesn’t cost anything, and can only help.

This person is crying out for help to me – I can’t solve this alone – what can I say?

For now I guess I’ll trust the pastor’s take on it.  But what if he’s WRONG?

Confused, befuddled and frustrated,

Dick Ness

Its hard for me to love someone I look down on, but an honest view of myself and where I stand with God helps me love people other then myself. Although I am still trying to get a grasp on what Godly love actually is.

Proverbs 9:8

So parenting again has laid a golden egg. The most ironic thing that I have found in life is that while I am trying to teach my kids things, I am finding that I really need to learn them myself. There have been several really good personal things, but the biggest thing right now is getting him to listen to correction.

The hilarious thing about teaching my son this is that I need to learn this FAR more than he does. The typical reaction that I have to a well placed rebuke or correction whether it comes from my wife, a friend or a direct stranger is to be defensive and often point out the flaws in their character. Conversations like this, especially among Christian men, usually boils down to “You suck”, “No you suck.” Or put more Biblically, “You have a log in your eye.” “Oh yeah, well you have a speck”.

This keeps us from being wise. I was actually really humbled by how many times Proverbs harps on this and yet my willingness to listen to correction and rebuke humbly and earnestly is weak at best. How much stronger would the church be if we put this into action. How much more sin could we be made aware of if we would only listen.

My son needs to learn this, but good grief, we could all use a dose of it as well, I being the foremost.