The Doubting Worshipper

If I may be frank, for the past couple of weeks depression’s been kicking my ass big time. I don’t want to get into the details, but during this rough period God has felt far away. When I cry out for help, I hear nothing. It made me wonder if perhaps the past ten years of following Jesus had been just a waste of time.

The other night, however, I picked up my pocket-sized Gideons Bible and skimmed through the “Where to find help when . . . ” section in the front. I looked up Depressed and flipped to Psalm 34: “I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.” (V. 4) Then I looked up Faith fails and came across Psalm 42:5–”Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”

Needing peace: John 16:33–”I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Weary: Matthew 11:28–”Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

And as I skimmed through Scripture, two words kept popping up in my head: Follow Me. Maybe it was that still small voice, or maybe it was just the wine talking (I drank two glasses before I picked up my Bible). But the next morning I still couldn’t get those two words–Follow Me–out of my head. “But I don’t have my crap together,” I thought. Then I remembered that neither did Jesus’ original disciples.

One of my favorite passages is Matthew 28:16-18. The disciples meet the resurrected Jesus on the mountaintop. “When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted.” It’s interested to point out that the text does not say, “Some worshiped, but some doubted.” Nope. It says, “They worshiped Him, but some doubted.” In other words, among the throngs of worshipers, there were some that wondered if it was all true. Does Jesus reject the doubters. Nope! Instead He reassures them by saying, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations. . . And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

So that’s where I am right now: a doubting worshiper. And I’m fine with it, because I think Jesus’ grace is bigger than my doubts.