Help My Unbelief

If you’ve ever seen the TV show The X Files you probably remember a post Mulder had in his office that had a picture of a UFO, and underneath were the words, “I want to believe.”

That’s how I am when I go through periods of doubt. I want to believe, but I’m not sure if I can. I’ll read something that challenges the doctrines I cling onto so tightly, and then I go through a “dark night of the soul” period where I don’t know what I believe in anymore. Were the past ten years of following Jesus just a waste of time? Was I better off as a nonbeliever?

Last week while I was on my blogging break, I asked some friends what sustains their belief in God, and I got some pretty good feedback. One person said, “Jesus,” another said, “Creation,” and another said, “My community of believers.” Those three answers stuck out the most, because those are the same reasons why I haven’t completely abandoned God yet.

First, there’s Jesus. When I read about His ministry and His Kingdom, I can’t help but want to be a part of that. I want to see a world where human beings are reconciled with God and each other. The way of Jesus is so radical compared to the ways of this world: materialism, hatred, selfishness, greed, apathy, etc. It’s a new way of living I deeply desire.

Then there’s creation. Have you ever had some one give you a birthday gift that was so wonderful you took good care of it everyday, and every time you saw the gift it reminded you of the person who gave it to you? That’s how I feel when I see the stars, forests, and sea.

Finally there’s the community of saints. Sometimes God makes more sense to me when I hear what He’s doing in other people’s lives. For example, last week I interviewed Brandt Russo for Coffee Chats. He spent a lot of the time talking about how God’s grace helped him recover from pornography addiction. While Brandt was telling his story, I felt like God was nudging me saying, “See? I told you I make all things new.”

Maybe during those moments of doubt, I’m not losing my faith in God, but in absolute certainty. It’s been said that the opposite of faith is certainty, so maybe if I stop clinging onto doctrines so tightly I can leave more room for God in my life. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe in the Nicene and Apostles Creeds. However, I approach faith now as a student willing to learn, rather than a professor with everything perfectly defined in hundreds of volumes on my shelf.

(Wow, nice metaphor!)

Like the man with the sick son, I’m praying, “Help my unbelief.”