The Heart of a Post
So while I love writing post about the church and the culture, I find that they are a little empty for me and require a good bit less struggle and effort. I soap box pretty easily is what I am saying. I however avoid a little more the posts that are about me, my interactions with the folks in my church, family, and friends. I tend to avoid the more personal posts for a couple of reasons.
1) The personal posts are just harder to write. Really who likes digging down deep and finding the root of a problem. Or going back to a painful period in your life and rehashing it. Oh oh what fun!!! Like watching a Golden Girls super marathon!
2) I have trouble knowing what details to include. I want to include enough detail so that the ideas are conveyed but not enough details to go too far or offend someone. I sometimes let one of the other writers proof a post for me.
3) They take more time. For the two reasons above and for the fact that I procrastinate when I don’t want to do something. I also am much more distractab………
Where was I?
So all that was to say that I would much prefer be writing about health care or the outer focused and inward focused church, or how my friend is having problems with his youth group ministry, but I don’t feel like that would be the most honest. So here goes. Right now I am really just struggling with needing God. Not in an eternal since but on a day to day basis. I can easily live my life without him and even though I claim to be a Christian I am sure that to someone on the outside there really isn’t a difference in the way that I lead my life. Still kinda wallowing in it but it is just kind of where I am.
CX,
You are not the only one.
The gospel of Jesus tells me that I am more loved than I can imagine, that my legally huge sin problem has been cleansed completely by Jesus’ blood and that I’m free to not sin and grow in freedom. But too, I’m recognizing in myself a sort of subtle self-loathing that I don’t want to give up. If I stay stuck like this, then I don’t have to change.
Or so I think. I bet God is going to deal with me… (maybe you too.)
So what do you do when you start seeing all these places where you really need God to make some changes and you see that you haven’t really changed?
Man my heart is hard and selfish.
You said “So what do you do when you start seeing all these places where you really need God to make some changes and you see that you haven’t really changed?”
I think that seeing this and learning to live here IS living like you need him. The problem is that I don’t want to live in this sort of place. I want to need him to fix me and change me so I can move on to not needing him anymore. Owning that I have a hard and selfish heart and at that same time basking in His sacrifice, grace and outlandish love makes me love Him more, love others more and think about me less. It what leaves us undone-and when we’re there we are thankful and humble. But we don’t like “undone”, we like “put together”-but God is committed to undoing us over and over again (thankfully-since I would always choose comfy and in control). He wants to open our eyes and hearts more and more to His provision and our need. In this place He moves us toward the needs around us and being part of the work of His Kingdom-redeeming the brokenness around us as He redeems the brokenness in us.